


It’s 2 am, what the fuck?

by ConfusedStateOfMind



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fives still smol, Gen, Group chat, I’m giving her a gf and no one can stop me, Klaus is like a gay mentor, Luther’s clueless, M/M, No Incest, Rated T for swearing and possible Mature themes, Sibling Bonding, THAT WILL NOT BE HAPPENING, Vanya Hargreeves-centric, Vanyas gay, random shits gonna happen, the apocalypse didn’t happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-10 21:36:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20534984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfusedStateOfMind/pseuds/ConfusedStateOfMind
Summary: Rated T for swearing and slight mature themesThe Hargeeves siblings make a group chat! What could possibly go wrong?Klaus : SkskskAllison : and I oop!Vanya : please, for the love of god stop





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Klaus = OhShitAGhost! 
> 
> Vanya = Leabihonest. 
> 
> Ben = tentacleboi / GOINGGHOST
> 
> Five = Five / Grumpy ol’ man
> 
> Allison = LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag
> 
> Diego = BATMAN but w/ Knives
> 
> Luther = Luther? ( he doesn’t know what’s going on..)

**Today 2:00 am**

  
  


_ OhShitAGhost!  _ : Hey guys

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : this might sound cliché but

_ OhShitAGhost _ : Ur all like good friends that became my family ( ◠‿◠ )

_ Tentacleboi  _ : Bro we are your family…

_ OhShitAGhost _ : still ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

_ Five  _ : Oh my god it’s 2 am, shut the fuck up

_ Five  _ : are you seriously high?

**Klaus changed ** ** _Five’s _ ** **name to ** ** _Grumpy ol’ man_ **

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : are you fucking kidding me?

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives _ : that’s just cold

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Guys seriously go to sleep

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : What r u, my mom?

_ Lesbihonest  _ : it’s late and I have practice tomorrow 

_ Lesbihonest  _ : and since I’m now fully awake, Klaus stop being mean to Five

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Thank you Vanya

_ OhShitAGhost _ : How dare you side with him Vanya?! My own sister!

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Vanyas right, I’m tired. 

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : same

_ Tentacleboi  _ : same

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : OMG WHY IS EVERYBODY TEAMING UP ON ME

  
  


** _OhShitAGhost _ ** **changes ** ** _tentacleboi_ ** **’s name to ** ** _GOINGGHOST_ **

  
  
  


_ Lesbihonest  _ : wait where’s Luther?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : i have no idea

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : I can’t hear him stomping around so idk. 

  
  


** _Luther?’s now online _ **

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : ah here he comes now 

_ Luther?  _ : howdoidoaspace?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : boi are you serious?

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : That’s fucking hilarious 

_ Luther?  _ : Nevermind I got it

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : oh my god ur so stupid lol

_ Luther?  _ : HEY

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Ayy shits going down

_ Lesbihonest  _ : imma go to sleep before I get caught in the crossfire 

_ GOINGGHOST _ : good idea sis

  
  


**Lesbihonest is offline**

  
  


_ Luther?  _ : Diego why are you such a dick

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : ooooh shiiiiit

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : What the fuck did you just say ape man?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Guys stop

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : you’re both huge idiots anyway

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : shut up ur like 3 years old

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : :0

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : Diego you better start running

  
  
  


**PM from ** ** _BATMAN but w/ Knives_ ** ** to ** ** _Lesbihonest_ **

  
  


_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : Vanya

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : Vanya wake up

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : Vanya pls I’m dying

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : SIS PLEASE 

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : VANYA

_ Lesbihonest  _ : for fucks sake Diego I’m trying to sleep!

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : FIVES TRYING TO KILL ME

_ Lesbihonest  _ : So? How’s that my problem?

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : You’re the only one in this family who he wouldn’t actively kill. TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM

_ Lesbihonest  _ : ugh fine

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : THANK YOU LOVE YOU SIS

  
  


**PM from Lesbihonest to Five**

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Hey leave Diego alone

_ Lesbihonest  _ : he’s an idiot but he’s also our brother and I much prefer not to attend another funeral soon…

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : fine, I wasn’t going to do anything 

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : just scare him a bit

_ Lesbihonest  _ : lol he’s definitely scared now

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : it’s a gift

_ Lesbihonest  _ : he’s gonna kill you, Five

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : I’d like to see that bitch try

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Don’t call your brother that, young man!

  
_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Don’t test me Ven. Just because you’re my favourite doesn’t mean I won’t kill u too


	2. WELCOME TO MY CANDY STORE

**12:35 pm**

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : I wanna look at the sun

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : a shiny boi

_ GOINGGHOST _ : No klaus that’s a horrible idea

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : omg I cant believe ur making me do this

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : KLAUS NO

—————

  
  


_ OhshitAGhost  _ : RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!!

_ Lesbihonest  _ : we’re all the same age

  
  


————

  
  


_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Guys we should all go trick or treating on Halloween

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Isn’t that illegal?

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : That does sound illegal

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : I’m in

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : Wait it’s illegal??

_ Lesbihonest  _ : It’s illegal if your over the age of 16

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Well we have Five so let’s all pretend to chaperone him

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : plus it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught….

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Yeah, none of you are doing that

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Come on old man, it’s not the first time I’ve done illegal stuff

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : omg what’s wrong with you??

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Everything 

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : except the way I dress

  
  


—————

  
  
  


_ Lesbihonest _ : I’m so frickin stresses rn

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : I recommend vodka

  
  


**—————-**

  
  


_ OhShitAGhost  _ : Guess who's bored 

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : me

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : I’m bored 

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : give me attention 

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Hi bored, I’m Allison

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : I cannot believe I just said that.

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : ;)

  
  


————

  
  


_ Lesbihonest _ : Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw!

_ Luther?  _ : Sorry, What?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : omg

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag _ : SHUT UP HEATHER!!!!

_ Luther?  _ : Who’s Heather?

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Every morning on the bus I can feel my heart beating louder and faster and I’m like “ _ Jesus, I’m on the frickin bus again cause all my rides to school are dead.” _

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Did I miss something? 

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Are we gonna have a problem?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : You gotta bone to pick?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : You’ve come so far, why now are you pulling on my dick?!

_ Luther?  _ : Five do you understand what’s happening?

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : No fucking clue 

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : THERES NO ALCOHOL IN HERE!! are you trying to poison me??

_ OhShitAGhost _ : I’m gonna count to 3! 1, 2- FUCK IT

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Great, you guys too?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Look who’s with her! Oh my god! Dang dang diggity dang a dang

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Dang-dang diggety-dang-a-dang

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Vanya you started this, what’s going on?

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : please stand back now

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : ……. little further

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : Ram and i died because we had to hide our gay forbidden love from a misaproaving world

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : VANYA WHATS GOING ON?!

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : It’s from “Heathers” it’s a musical

_ Lesbihonest  _ : I just watched it

_ Lesbihonest  _ : it’s awesome

_ OhShitAGhost  _ : How do you not know this??

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Luther’s just genuinely clueless meanwhile I’ve been gone for multiple decades so I’ve never heard of it 

_ Luther?  _ : I’m not clueless…..

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : happiness comes when everything numbs

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : WHO NEEDS COCAAAAAIIINE

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : stop

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : No u shut up! I DONT HAVE TO SHUT UP ANYMORE!!!

_ Lesbihonest  _ : ITS A BEAUTIFUL FRICKIN DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched Heathers the musical for the first time. I fucking love it as you can probably guess...


	3. Hello Clarice

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : BONJOUR MOTHER FUCKERS

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Thats mean I’m telling mom

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : NO DONT

  
  
  


————-

  
  


_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : OMG THERE A DOG HERE

_ Lesbihonest  _ : WHAT

_ Lesbihonest  _ : SAY HI TO IT FOR ME PLS

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : ME 2

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : YES SAY HI FOR ME TOO

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : Allison I’m in my car right now, where are you, where is the dogo

——-

  
  


_ OhshitAGhost  _ : My bros

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : broski’s

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : brotiens

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : brocicles

  
  


_ Lesbihonest  _ : brosephs

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : brotastics

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : Han Brolos

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Broba Fett

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Brotato Chips

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Bromosexuals

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Brohemian Rhapsody 

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : guys stop

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : no u

  
  
  


———

  
  


_ Lesbihonest  _ : Five i made you a friendship bracelet 

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : I don’t really where jewelry 

_ Lesbihonest  _ : you don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : Back off I’m gonna wear it

  
  


————

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Five, we all know I’m your favourite

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : I love all my idiot siblings equally 

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : but if I had to choose it would definitely be Vanya

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : HEY

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : oof that hurts 

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : bro that’s mean

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Haha suck it ya scrubs

  
  


—————

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : lettuce watch a movie

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : I cant-aloupe wait

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : This will be Egg-xciting

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : please stop

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : cherry up Five, don’t beet us up

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Orange you glad you’re our siblings?

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Guys he doesn’t wanna taco bout it

_ Luther?  _ : guys I’m a little Chili

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : seriously you’re all so annoying

_ Lesbihonest  _ : relax Five, it’s no big dill

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Yeah, we all love you berry much!

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : you make us so hap-pea

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : muffin compares with you 

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : I’m too intelligent to deal with this shit

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : ok but seriously what movie are we gonna watch?

  
  


—————-

  
  


_ OhshitAGhost  _ : yesterday I yote my water bottle thru the window

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : did you just use yeet in past tense

  
  


——————

_ Lesbihonest  _ : hello my lovely siblings guess who just got

_ Lesbihonest  _ : ✧･ﾟ: * _ gayer _ ✧･ﾟ:*

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : omg what happened 

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : ooooo who’s the lovely lady

_ Lesbihonest  _ : her name is ur mom

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : Vanya. Please. 

_ Lesbihonest  _ : I don’t trust you guys

_ Lesbihonest  _ : last time I told you who I liked, five went out of his way to interrogate her 

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : I needed to make sure she was worthy of dating my sister

_ Luther?  _ : so what happened?

_ Lesbihonest  _ : well I literally ran into her and dropped all my music sheets and she helped me pick them up

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Omg

_ Lipstickinmyvalentinowhitebag  _ : then what happened?

_ Lesbihonest  _ : well, I basically forgot how to function as a human being 

_ Lesbihonest  _ : I froze up

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : and then??

_ Lesbihonest  _ : she laughed and gave me her number 

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : awwww

_ Luther?  _ : that’s cute

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : nice

_ Lesbihonest  _ : god I hope she’s gay

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : Ven, she gave you her number. She probably is

_ Lesbihonest  _ : but how do I know if she like likes me?

_ Ohshitaghost  _ : ur such a gay

  
  
  


—————-

_ Ohshitaghost  _ : Alright my children, what movie do you wanna watch 

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : action

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : anything 

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : I honestly don’t give a shit

_ Luther?  _ : I agree with Ben

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : Lets watch a rom com!

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : UGHHH

_ Lesbihonest  _ : nooooooo

_ Lesbihonest  _ : I hate rom coms

_ Lesbihonest  _ : they’re too cliche and cheesy

_ Lesbihonest  _ : they’re all so heterosexual

_ Lesbihonest  _ : let’s watch a horror movie 

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : never pegged you as someone who watched horror movies

_ Lesbihonest  _ : I’m full of surprises

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : I’m too much of a coward to watch a horror movie 

_ Lesbihonest  _ : how about Disney?

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : booooo

_ Lipstickinmyvalentinowhitebag  _ : Stop being so grumpy young man

  
  
  


————-

_ Lesbihonest  _ : I told klaus my stomach was hurting and now he thinks I’m pregnant -__-

_ LipstickInMyValentinoWhiteBag  _ : omg who’s the father??

_ Lesbihonest  _ : Allison no

_ Luther?  _ : congratulations 

_ GOINGGHOST  _ : yeah congrats 

_ Grumpy ol’ man  _ : gotta tell you Vanya, i’m a little disappointed 

_ Ohshitaghost  _ : no more caffeine or alcohol for you, young lady

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : you don’t even know who the father is smh

_ Lesbihonest  _ : IM NOT FUCKING PREGNANT 

  
  


————

_ Lesbihonest  _ : GUYS IM WATCHING SPONGEBOB

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : GASP CAN I JOIN YOU?!

  
  


—————

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : Guys I have a surprise for y’all’s 

_ Lesbihonest  _ : no thanks I’m out

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : What?? Why!?

_ Ledbihonest  _ : I don’t trust you

_ OhshitAGhost  _ : What? Name one time I broke ur trust

_ Lesbihonest  _ : when we were 9 fucking years old, you and Diego showed me Silence of the lambs!!

_ BATMAN but w/ Knives  _ : OH MY GOD HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, IT WAS ONE TIME

_ Lesbihonest  _ : THAT MOVIE FUCKING MESSED ME UP FOR YEARS

_ Ohshitaghost  _ : JUST LET IT GO VEN

_ Luther?  _ : hey Vanya…...

_ Luther?  _ : hello Clarice 

_ Lesbihonest  _ : LUTHER 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the silence of the lambs thing was from personal experiences......... THANKS A LOT BRO

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know what I’m doing.


End file.
